When you are not sure if you should leave …

I can’t count how many times I used to lie awake at night next to my partner (now ex) wondering if there was something better out there for me. Not necessarily someone, but just a happier feeling. I would ask myself, if I left this person would I be better off?

As I lay silently sobbing in our bed I would often peer out the window starring at the stars and wishing them to endow me with the courage to make the right decision …. “Just leave or stay and be done with it…. Tell me which one I should choose?”

Eventually his behaviour became so intolerable I left. It took a lot of courage and support from my friends. But eventually I just had had enough, really what made me walk about in the end was minimal, but it was everything else that had built up.

If you are thinking of leaving someone but are uncertain or are scarred, the likelihood is, unless your partner miraculously changes who they are, you will eventually find the courage or sensibility to acknowledge this partnership is no longer right for you.

Perhaps it’s the fear of the unfamiliar that scares you, or the fear of being a lone. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a fear you should face.

Hopefully you will…. After I left I wondered about all the people that stay in unhappy relationships their entire lives. Apparently people do that?

It’s easier now to look back at the messy haze and see clearly that leaving was the best decision in my pursuit for happiness. Undoubtedly I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had just left sooner.

Whilst ending any relationships has its bumps, I can say that I am immensely happy with the decision I made, and I feel like love and opportunities have continued to present themselves to me in ways I have never imagined ever since.

I know a lot of my girlfriends have pondered the same question, the truth is, I personally would never tell them to leave someone they love, even if they don’t realise yet it’s not right for them.

So much of life is about timing; everyone needs to take their own journey to come to a decision as big as leaving someone.

So where am now nine months after leaving a long term relationship? Well it took six months to come out of the darkness of sleepless nights and not eating to truly find my flow. But after those six months I began to feel lighter, content and immensely happy. It was when I reached this point that someone appeared in my life. I found love when I was least searching for it and our relationship has continued to blossom and grow ever since.

Why us singles should stop hating on Valentine’s Day

Is it weird that I’m single and not hating on the upcoming prospect of Valentine’s Day? Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic or maybe I’m just enjoying being single too much.

Delving deeper here are a few reasons us singles should stop hating on Valentine’s Day:

#1 We don’t have to impress anyone
When I look back on Valentine’s Days spent during my previous relationship, if anything, it was quite a stressful time. All the hype and pressure around having to do something romantic… shouldn’t that just happen year round?

#2 Likelihood of getting disappointed… nothing, nada, niente
Being single means that you don’t have to worry about getting disappointed. One year my boyfriend and I agreed we weren’t going to treat this “commercialised day” like anything special. But when Valentine’s Day arrived and there wasn’t a nice dinner, cute message or flowers I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. Whilst other couples are busy comparing presents, extravagant gestures or number of roses – you can simply sit back and relax; we singles need not hold any expectations.

#3 No chance of fighting with your significant other
I’m sorry but how many people do you know have broken around Valentine’s Day? If your relationship is already on the rocks, like my previous one was, the day seems to bring to the surface all the issues and annoyances you are having.

#4 Likelihood of being pleasantly surprised… increases
When you’re single on Valentine’s Day the chances of you being disappointed significantly decreases, and the chances of you being pleasantly surprised increases. After all you’re on the market aren’t you? Who knows there just could be roses from a secret admirer you didn’t know about… that, or one of your girlfriends decides to express her friendship.

So next Friday instead of being single and hating on Valentine’s Day be happy for the couples that are genuinely smitten, and appreciate the fact that you’re not stressing about giving or receiving forced romantic gestures.

Why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex

Admittedly after a 6 month cooling off period I figured it might be okay to have dinner with my ex.

He had been requesting to catch up as friends for a while and given we had been together for eight years we certainly shared a special friendship,  so I figured no harm done – particularly in a public setting.

Long story short after a catching up I quickly realised you actually can’t be friends with your ex. Particularly if you or him haven’t moved on yet….

Reasons not to be friends with your ex:

#1 You don’t give each other an opportunity to fully move on.

#2 Whilst he had the last xxx (in my case 8 years) you made the decision not to give him the rest, so stick to that decision.

#3 You put yourself in a vulnerable place of self-doubt. The single confident you, suddenly shrivels up and dies, and all the effort you made to move on dissipates.

#4 You quickly realise why you broke up in the first place, and all of a sudden you are freakin annoyed at him. Annoyed feelings that you left behind are now once again back. Grrrr

#5 You focus attention on your past instead of your present and future.

I’m sure many would disagree (those with children particularly may have to take this with a grain of salt). But meh…. this is my current attitude towards mine and for now I’m sticking by it.

How do I stop thinking about a guy?

Blue eyed dreamy doctor chases unsuspecting girl… girl takes notice… blue eyed dreamy doctor loses interest. This was my first introduction to being single at 25 after having only been in one relationship before that – a high school one that lasted 8 years.

Blue dreamy doctor aside, guys losing interest after the chase seem to be a rather frequently occurring conundrum us women face.

No doubt the delicate dance of dating has been further complicated with the mobiles and social media– it really can be a serious waste of our energy.

It’s no wonder I accomplished so much whilst in a comfortable relationship – good career progression, property investments, volunteering, travel and so on; all before the tender age of 25. But I had an upper hand, unlike my girlfriends I wasn’t in the dating scene wasting time worrying about when he was next going to text or why he hadn’t called.

Now that I am, I am quickly learning the importance of ensuring I don’t fall into the trap of wasting needless energy on guys– because it is certainly in our nature to do so. Habits to form/ I’m forming:

1.Listen to the little voice inside you that commands respect.
If you feel you have been initiating all the calls and texts and want him to call or text but he doesn’t, then leave it. Don’t compromise your decision and don’t come up with excuses for him. Damn we girls are good at that.

2. Don’t stare blankly at your phone.
No matter how hard you stare at it, it won’t change whether or not it will ring my friend. Learn to live without your phone a little. Form the habit of caring less about your phone. I personally can’t stand people glancing at their phone all the time when I’m hanging with them, and I certainly have formed the habit of never doing so. If I’m out with friends they have my full attention, my phone comes second not vice versa.

3. Transfer that nervous energy into something useful.
The time you spend thinking about him and what you said or did wrong – use it to do something useful. Go for a walk, cook or bake, volunteer or start a blog ;). One of the greatest habits you can form is to get busy with life and find something you are passionate about (other than being a great lover ;)).

4. Draw on energy from your friends.
Eliminate the demon of neediness. Call your friends, organise to hang out, be super social and plan something fun. Sure some of us just want to be in an intimate relationship, but acknowledge just how amazing relationships with friends can be and stop focusing so much on needing to be with a guy. One of the best habits you can form is meeting and growing your friendships – in my opinion they are just as important in life.

5. Realise your self-worth and settle for nothing less.
Once you can achieve this everything falls into place. If you know what you want from someone and expect nothing less; then it bothers you less when they don’t come to the table. If you feel a guy should have called or texted by now and he doesn’t, well… it’s his loss. Instead of worrying about why he hasn’t contacted you, change your mind frame to think “that’s too bad for him.”

We women are capable of achieving some damn incredible things; but they are certainly not going to be achieved wasting time worrying about whether a guy is going to call, or his sudden lack of interest.

I’m a firm believer in forming habits. I’ve formed the habit of exercising regularly, eating well, asking for pay rises, working hard and living a positive care-free life. Transferring energy from worrying about men to more productive tasks is just another habit that we women need to learn.