When you are not sure if you should leave …

I can’t count how many times I used to lie awake at night next to my partner (now ex) wondering if there was something better out there for me. Not necessarily someone, but just a happier feeling. I would ask myself, if I left this person would I be better off?

As I lay silently sobbing in our bed I would often peer out the window starring at the stars and wishing them to endow me with the courage to make the right decision …. “Just leave or stay and be done with it…. Tell me which one I should choose?”

Eventually his behaviour became so intolerable I left. It took a lot of courage and support from my friends. But eventually I just had had enough, really what made me walk about in the end was minimal, but it was everything else that had built up.

If you are thinking of leaving someone but are uncertain or are scarred, the likelihood is, unless your partner miraculously changes who they are, you will eventually find the courage or sensibility to acknowledge this partnership is no longer right for you.

Perhaps it’s the fear of the unfamiliar that scares you, or the fear of being a lone. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a fear you should face.

Hopefully you will…. After I left I wondered about all the people that stay in unhappy relationships their entire lives. Apparently people do that?

It’s easier now to look back at the messy haze and see clearly that leaving was the best decision in my pursuit for happiness. Undoubtedly I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had just left sooner.

Whilst ending any relationships has its bumps, I can say that I am immensely happy with the decision I made, and I feel like love and opportunities have continued to present themselves to me in ways I have never imagined ever since.

I know a lot of my girlfriends have pondered the same question, the truth is, I personally would never tell them to leave someone they love, even if they don’t realise yet it’s not right for them.

So much of life is about timing; everyone needs to take their own journey to come to a decision as big as leaving someone.

So where am now nine months after leaving a long term relationship? Well it took six months to come out of the darkness of sleepless nights and not eating to truly find my flow. But after those six months I began to feel lighter, content and immensely happy. It was when I reached this point that someone appeared in my life. I found love when I was least searching for it and our relationship has continued to blossom and grow ever since.

Why us singles should stop hating on Valentine’s Day

Is it weird that I’m single and not hating on the upcoming prospect of Valentine’s Day? Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic or maybe I’m just enjoying being single too much.

Delving deeper here are a few reasons us singles should stop hating on Valentine’s Day:

#1 We don’t have to impress anyone
When I look back on Valentine’s Days spent during my previous relationship, if anything, it was quite a stressful time. All the hype and pressure around having to do something romantic… shouldn’t that just happen year round?

#2 Likelihood of getting disappointed… nothing, nada, niente
Being single means that you don’t have to worry about getting disappointed. One year my boyfriend and I agreed we weren’t going to treat this “commercialised day” like anything special. But when Valentine’s Day arrived and there wasn’t a nice dinner, cute message or flowers I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. Whilst other couples are busy comparing presents, extravagant gestures or number of roses – you can simply sit back and relax; we singles need not hold any expectations.

#3 No chance of fighting with your significant other
I’m sorry but how many people do you know have broken around Valentine’s Day? If your relationship is already on the rocks, like my previous one was, the day seems to bring to the surface all the issues and annoyances you are having.

#4 Likelihood of being pleasantly surprised… increases
When you’re single on Valentine’s Day the chances of you being disappointed significantly decreases, and the chances of you being pleasantly surprised increases. After all you’re on the market aren’t you? Who knows there just could be roses from a secret admirer you didn’t know about… that, or one of your girlfriends decides to express her friendship.

So next Friday instead of being single and hating on Valentine’s Day be happy for the couples that are genuinely smitten, and appreciate the fact that you’re not stressing about giving or receiving forced romantic gestures.

Why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex

Admittedly after a 6 month cooling off period I figured it might be okay to have dinner with my ex.

He had been requesting to catch up as friends for a while and given we had been together for eight years we certainly shared a special friendship,  so I figured no harm done – particularly in a public setting.

Long story short after a catching up I quickly realised you actually can’t be friends with your ex. Particularly if you or him haven’t moved on yet….

Reasons not to be friends with your ex:

#1 You don’t give each other an opportunity to fully move on.

#2 Whilst he had the last xxx (in my case 8 years) you made the decision not to give him the rest, so stick to that decision.

#3 You put yourself in a vulnerable place of self-doubt. The single confident you, suddenly shrivels up and dies, and all the effort you made to move on dissipates.

#4 You quickly realise why you broke up in the first place, and all of a sudden you are freakin annoyed at him. Annoyed feelings that you left behind are now once again back. Grrrr

#5 You focus attention on your past instead of your present and future.

I’m sure many would disagree (those with children particularly may have to take this with a grain of salt). But meh…. this is my current attitude towards mine and for now I’m sticking by it.

How to send a girl a first text? Tips for guys texting girls

Speaking as a girl it’s a fact that we can gain or lose interest in the first couple of texts.

I’m sorry guys, I realise that it’s terrible that a few words can have such an impact. At least now you know and can do something about it…

If you have managed to get her number, well hopefully she is partly interested. Here are some tips that may help you catch the girl of your dreams:

Make her laugh or smile
Recollect on something you spoke about when you met, or something fun you’re currently doing.

Personally I’m more likely to respond to this sort of message then the standard “It was great meeting you.” You asked for my number silly, I know you thought it was great meeting me.

This is when being yourself and sharing who you are comes into play. If a girl doesn’t bite, well her loss you’ve shared a bit of who you are.

Grammar
Taking the time to spell tells a girl:

–          That you’re thoughtful i.e. you liked her enough to reread the message before hitting send

–          Eludes charm and intelligence. What girl could resist that?

–          Get the following correct: To, two or too. You’re or Your. There, they’re or their. If you’re not sure ask Google!

Avoid lazy slang
Old school I know. I’m sure some may disagree, and sure take this advice with a grain of salt (we txt not text after all). Just keep in mind that most girls would like to be spoken to in a gentlemanly fashion.

Eg. You not Ya
It was nice meeting you.
And not: It was nice meeting ya.

Keep it short and sweet
Please don’t write a novel recollecting on how you met or why you liked her. 2-3 sentences max.

Anyone else have any great tips that have worked?

Best of luck!

What to do when your ex asks you to stop contacting them?

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” – Buddha

Come now you know the answer to this?

Respect their decision, don’t contact your ex, in any circumstance if they ask you not to (Christmas and Birthdays are no exception. A death of a family member would be).

Alas, things are easier said than done. In reality, letting go of our past is incredibly difficult, regardless of whether or not it was your decision to end the relationship.

A girlfriend of mine was recently confronted with a message from her ex that asked her in fairly impolite terms to stop contacting him; essentially he told her he thought of her as dead, pretty harsh words for anyone to hear.

As she shared her thoughts, I recollected on my break up, which I had ended and in doing so asked my ex to stop contacting me.

The reason was that every time I received a message or call from him, whether it was nasty or nice… both caused days of insomnia, anxiety and loss of appetite.

To him I was just a cold stone wall that told him we were over and asked him to stop contacting me. Little did he know about the effect of his thoughtless barrage of messages.

The thing to remember is that just because the other person doesn’t want to talk to you, it doesn’t mean they have completely forgotten you or the past you shared. As nasty or as awful as they may seem, they just want to move on.

For me, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to be with my ex and there was no turning back. The decision to leave was right for my happiness, and in order to move on with my life, I needed him out.

Now this may cause you to think that by staying in contact with your ex, there may remain a small glimmer of hope that you will get back together…

I’m not ruling that out for some, but I could never get back together with someone, that didn’t respect me enough to listen to my requests.

Relationship breakdowns are often caused by a feeling of a loss of respect. If you do care about the person, than this is your opportunity to show them some respect.

If you desperately want to get back together, well…. your best option is to show them the respect they have asked for, and let them come to you… there is a chance that they may.

In saying this, try not to hold onto the hope that they will. Letting go and moving forward is a far healthier mindset to be in. Things will work out the way they are supposed to.

Importantly, in handling your breakup try and do it with grace – even if the other person fails to do so. In situations where my ex was being a complete prick I used to think “how do I let go of things not meant for me gracefully?”

My girlfriends response when I shared this quote with her “Buddha knows best.”

Why a guy suddenly stops texting?

So the blogosphere and my girlfriends seem to tell me we have all been there, you know when a guy suddenly stops texting you and you’re just like WTF? 

Having only recently entered single life I was left dumbfounded. How can you be sooo keen and then just… well…. not?

Here I was enjoying my new single life, no boys, no worries, not a care in the world, and this guy shows a little interest.

After a few months of his charms I finally take his bait – there is a flurry of texting (we are interstate and met in transit).

Suddenly, his texts turn from flirty to just polite, I send a final message and he doesn’t respond so I leave it, a girl can take a hint…

But we did have a set date three weeks away, when I’m due to be in the city he lives. So I’m left perplexed. Why put in so much effort in and then just stop before the finish line? Did I give you the boost to your ego you were looking for? Or was it something I said? Or was he playing the field and found someone else?

Two weeks go by without a peep….

During these two weeks I’m left miffed. Maybe he has something going on in his life? Should I ask him if something’s wrong? Did I say something?

And the even bigger question – should I text him?

Finally, a week before we were supposed to go on a date, I text him. Sure lots of girls will tell you not to do this, but I wanted to know what the deal was.

His response, to my “Hi how are you? Story about what I’ve been up to etc” was polite and genuine, but bottom line – he had to cancel the dinner and date he had suggested…

In any case whether their rejection is subtle, passive or aggressive – once you know for sure where you stand it’s easier.

If I can leave some parting advice from this little experience – it’s that a girl’s instinct are rarely wrong. I pretty much knew as soon as the message turned from flirty to polite he had lost interest.

As much as you wonder, you can’t possibly know what is going on in his head, or life so stop.

So stop asking Google the question you probably already know the answer to. For whatever reason it was that it fizzled… in many cases before they even gave it a chance to begin.

Respect and love yourself enough to know that people who leave you miffed and perplexed are probably not worth your concern – there are so many joys in life – and confusing boys who suddenly stop texting are not on my list of them J

How do I stop thinking about a guy?

Blue eyed dreamy doctor chases unsuspecting girl… girl takes notice… blue eyed dreamy doctor loses interest. This was my first introduction to being single at 25 after having only been in one relationship before that – a high school one that lasted 8 years.

Blue dreamy doctor aside, guys losing interest after the chase seem to be a rather frequently occurring conundrum us women face.

No doubt the delicate dance of dating has been further complicated with the mobiles and social media– it really can be a serious waste of our energy.

It’s no wonder I accomplished so much whilst in a comfortable relationship – good career progression, property investments, volunteering, travel and so on; all before the tender age of 25. But I had an upper hand, unlike my girlfriends I wasn’t in the dating scene wasting time worrying about when he was next going to text or why he hadn’t called.

Now that I am, I am quickly learning the importance of ensuring I don’t fall into the trap of wasting needless energy on guys– because it is certainly in our nature to do so. Habits to form/ I’m forming:

1.Listen to the little voice inside you that commands respect.
If you feel you have been initiating all the calls and texts and want him to call or text but he doesn’t, then leave it. Don’t compromise your decision and don’t come up with excuses for him. Damn we girls are good at that.

2. Don’t stare blankly at your phone.
No matter how hard you stare at it, it won’t change whether or not it will ring my friend. Learn to live without your phone a little. Form the habit of caring less about your phone. I personally can’t stand people glancing at their phone all the time when I’m hanging with them, and I certainly have formed the habit of never doing so. If I’m out with friends they have my full attention, my phone comes second not vice versa.

3. Transfer that nervous energy into something useful.
The time you spend thinking about him and what you said or did wrong – use it to do something useful. Go for a walk, cook or bake, volunteer or start a blog ;). One of the greatest habits you can form is to get busy with life and find something you are passionate about (other than being a great lover ;)).

4. Draw on energy from your friends.
Eliminate the demon of neediness. Call your friends, organise to hang out, be super social and plan something fun. Sure some of us just want to be in an intimate relationship, but acknowledge just how amazing relationships with friends can be and stop focusing so much on needing to be with a guy. One of the best habits you can form is meeting and growing your friendships – in my opinion they are just as important in life.

5. Realise your self-worth and settle for nothing less.
Once you can achieve this everything falls into place. If you know what you want from someone and expect nothing less; then it bothers you less when they don’t come to the table. If you feel a guy should have called or texted by now and he doesn’t, well… it’s his loss. Instead of worrying about why he hasn’t contacted you, change your mind frame to think “that’s too bad for him.”

We women are capable of achieving some damn incredible things; but they are certainly not going to be achieved wasting time worrying about whether a guy is going to call, or his sudden lack of interest.

I’m a firm believer in forming habits. I’ve formed the habit of exercising regularly, eating well, asking for pay rises, working hard and living a positive care-free life. Transferring energy from worrying about men to more productive tasks is just another habit that we women need to learn.

5 ways to cope after a break up

They say that everything heals in time, but I don’t believe that this is the case. Wounds don’t simply heal themselves – when you have a cut on your skin, the body springs into action reducing the flow of blood, blood pallets form a protective covering, the skin underneath regenerates and so on.

In short, your body works damn hard to heal a wound time has little to do with the process. So you need to do the same. Now I am still a work in progress but this is what has helped me so far:

1. Setup a regular routine that involves living!
Things are chaotic enough, and without a little bit of structure you can be left feeling even more lost. Make a daily plan: get up and exercise, go to work, take a lunch break, cook a healthy meal, go to Yoga once a week or try a new sport or hobby.

I found forcing myself to get up and walk every morning (by the beach whilst enjoying the sunrise) has helped immensely. Anyone else feel particularly scattered in the morning, like you have been anxious all night?

A routine forces you to live, as opposed to sitting in a dark room binging and feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t worry we have all been there.

2. Connect with friends and or family
I realised after my break up how fortunate I was to have the friends I have. If you don’t, try reconnect with old friends. I can honestly say that sharing the company of friends has been the biggest boost to my healing process.

I now have regular ‘date nights’ with my girlfriends. We all enjoy fitness so once a week we pick a healthy baking recipe (this week was almond meal banana muffins) and we bake, chat, eat and be merry.

3. Write down your thoughts
Ergo… this is me now. It’s helping 🙂

4. Discover new passions
I’ve discovered lots of books and blogs and even podcasts. Blogs about relationships in particular have helped me to realise I’m not alone – there are many others working on healing or have healed their broken hearts.

I’ve also recently become interested in astrology. I’ve found Star Signs and Ascendant Signs intriguing, particularly when you are trying to figure out who the heck you are outside a relationship.

5. Love yourself
This is a work in progress for me… It’s easy to punish yourself for things that went wrong, or for feeling lost and not knowing yourself.

I try and tell myself most mornings that I’m a goddess – haha someone has too! Pampering yourself, getting your nails done, a change of hair style, having long baths – all those things help too!

Getting to know yourself can be difficult, but if you view it as an adventure of self-discovery it may help.

Any other tips? I’d love to hear them. Happy healing 🙂

How to move on after ending a long term relationship?

How to move on after ending a long term relationship?

Ending a long term relationship is not a decision one not makes lightly, but it comes to a time when enough is enough and you realise just because they had the last (in my case 8 years) doesn’t mean they can have the rest.

When I finally walked away, and this time for good, I had made a few attempts, I didn’t realise that it really was only just the beginning.

When I finally found the strength to leave, I’m not sure what I had anticipated I was so caught up on needing to leave I didn’t realise the long journey of healing ahead.

Surround yourself with friends and family
Find time to reconnect with family and friends and enjoy their company. Often in relationships it seems people don’t spend enough time with friends and family as you become caught up in one person. Drawing on the positive energy my friends and family has been critical for my healing. It helps to share how you’re feeling.

Set yourself a goal/s
Think about things that you would have liked to have done but you couldn’t because of your relationship. I always wanted to spend time overseas and learn another language, so I’ve set myself a timeline for saving and working towards that goal. I always said I wanted to blog… so here I am…

Keep your distance from your ex
I know this may not always be possible, but you should try limit contact at least in the beginning. This is a difficult one for me because we have the same circle of friends, but at least for a while I am definitely going to try to keep my distance. There is obviously still a lot of love and a lot of pain and seeing him only brings it all back.

Remember that life is a journey
Throughout life people will come in and out and touch us in different ways. I like to remember that my past relationship was one that helped shape the person I am today, for better and not worse, and that I can only learn from my experiences and continue to journey through life meeting new people and enjoying every moment.

Find good ways to grieve
I have lost my best friend, someone I shared the last eight years of my life with, and I think it’s okay to be sad that it’s over. But I remind myself that life isn’t over though, a new page is just beginning. Don’t inflict anger on him or others or yourself. There are plenty of good ways to grieve I’ve found that reading blogs and experiences from others online has helped my grieving process. Also watching sunsets, exercising, and just having a bit of quiet reflection and me time has also helped. It’s perfectly human to grieve and feel hurt, but there are good and bad ways, try not to let negative thoughts consume you.

Life is a gift and there are so many wonderful things about it. We are only human we love, we make mistakes, we feel and we hurt and that’s just a part of life. Embrace all the moments – we can only truly appreciate happiness by feeling pain.

If you are going through a break up to I hope some of my experiences help your healing.